We all got our own vices. If we’re honest with ourselves, we know very well what they are and aren’t surprised when we find ourselves in similar situations. There’s a reason why we make the same mistakes over and over again.
When we’re feeling down, insecure, and/or especially vulnerable, we default to our destructive behavior patterns. We go back to doing things we know aren’t good for us. Why? Because it’s familiar, it’s what we know and subconsciously, it’s what makes us feel like we have control. We know the landscape of these poor decisions because we’ve been there before.
The suffering we cause ourselves and the reasons behind them
We’re experienced, experts at hurting ourselves, and yet deep down, a part of us believes we can do things differently things. Self-sabotage. It looks like going back to someone who’s not good for us. It can be participating in risky behavior – sex, drugs, or whatever your rebellion act of choice is. It can also include not acting on an amazing opportunity that makes us feel scared and unworthy.
Why do we do this? On the surface, we do this to cope with whatever psychological challenge we’re faced with. We lash out (against ourselves and those who hope for us to change) because it’s our way of controlling the chaos by being the one that causes it. In our subconscious thought, it’s like we’re playing a level in a video game. We’ve been here so many times and we believe this time, we can try that trick that will allow us to finally beat this level. Instead, we need to change up our entire strategy.
Pick your poison
Whenever I’m feeling down, I seek validation. It can be in the form of getting attention from someone so I set up a date, get dressed up, flirt, and indulge in feeling wanted. It can be in the form of recreation and that looks like buying something – makeup, clothes, shoes, or whatever I believe can change my look a little bit, allowing me to experiment and express myself, in a different way. It can be binge-watching Netflix, especially if it’s a show I’ve already seen before, as provides a sense of comfort, familiarity, and a need break from my own reality.
Whichever way I choose to fill this dark void inside, it’s escapism. We do this so we can temporarily stop thinking about our problems, not feel emotions we would rather avoid, and propone the inevitable. To make the choice – either stay in the same situation and continue to suffer or make the decision to change and force ourselves to face the unknown. Either choice, there’s discomfort so we pick our poison.
Oftentimes, we wish the circumstances would be different but how can it be when we refuse to be different?
In order to be different, we have to make the hard choice and choose differently.
Steps towards change
The first step to breaking the cycle is self-awareness. Recognizing the self-destructive behaviors and being conscious of the choices I so readily default to when things don’t go as planned. Paying attention to these patterns and catching myself before I participate in something I know I will regret has been challenging but worth the discomfort.
As the queen of overthinking things, I learned nothing changes if I don’t make any changes. That’s why taking actions matters. Choosing to take a break from the dating apps, stop the impulsive shopping, and take a break from Netflix to do something that will actually help me address my problems, instead of prolonging them.
Journaling has helped. It’s therapeutic but also freighting to call me out on doing things I know simply aren’t good for me. It allows me to explore why I do the things I do and why I believe it will make me feel better, especially when that feeling quickly flees once the dopamine wears off. It also helps me prepare my thoughts and organize the things I need to dive deeper in therapy.
Focus on the changes you can make
Many of us deal with complex issues and face complicated adversities. Learning to focus on the choices I can make has helped me set myself up for optimal growth and set myself for success. Centering myself on what I can change and letting go of the rest has helped me better manage my anxiety and also develop momentum for self-empowerment to make harder choices.
I believe many of us are aware of our issues and even how to solve them. We don’t always carry them out because we’re afraid of the discomfort change brings us. Sure, avoiding the choice to do things differently and indulging in our vices gives us temporary relief. But that’s only until we realize we’re filling the void with the wrong things.
It only feels empty because we’re not giving ourselves what we actually need – hope that things could be better and we can be better. The more we avoid doing what’s best for us, the worst things get. And what’s worst than living a life full of regret only to later realize we had the power to do things differently all along but were too afraid to do it?
